F is for Forgiveness!

How forgiving are you? Oohhhh this is a toughie isn't it? We all like to think that we are the kind of people capable of being forgiving... but are we really?

Forgiving is sometimes hard and feels more like a closed door than an open one inside our hearts. Often we think we want to forgive someone about an event in the past, but it ends up feeling heavy and somehow just "wrong". We know, deep inside, that forgiveness should release a burden and help us feel lighter and happier. But getting through that impenetrable door can be very challenging.

Let's start by defining, "What is forgiveness?" I think one definition is "to release someone from a moral debt". I use the word moral because it carries with it the spiritual and emotional tone that I equate with real forgiveness. Then we need to clearly define the debt. This requires honestly looking at what it is that you believe you are owed. It is in this step that the greatest shifts in you can occur.

Next , it is helpful to acknowledge your own hurt and pain as a way to hold yourself worthy of respect. When you give yourself what you need, it opens within you a place where you can find the key to that big door standing between you and forgiveness.

Respecting yourself is also a great first step toward being able to respect that other person. We all make mistakes. And, we all do the best we can given our situations, strengths, weaknesses and currently held thoughts and beliefs. When we respect ourselves it is empowering. When we respect others it helps us appreciate them for who they are and how they, too, are doing the best they can.

When we start to see how they have done the best they can, our perspective about the debt that is owed may dramatically shift. And, instead of feeling like we are forcing ourselves toward a closed door we find our compassionate heart opening automatically.

Forgiveness is realizing what you thought happened..... didn't. This is one of those sentences that takes a little pondering, isn't it? What we thought happened... didn't? What we thought they did... they didn't do? Yes, very often that is actually what has happened.

Finding that nugget of truth can make forgiveness unnecessary, which of course makes it a lot easier! Let me try to illustrate this with a common adoption story.

Take Mary for example. She is a birthmother... or an adoptee.... and at various times in her life she has felt that some people judged her harshly for wanting to find her biological family. She was angry and resentful that these people weren't openly supportive and she felt weighed down with the burden of that resentment.

In order for her to find forgiveness she tried to clearly articulate what debt these people owed her. After giving it quite a bit of thought she decided that they owed her an apology for not being supportive. This seemed clear to her and she believed that if they apologized for their lack of support she would be able to forgive them and release those heavy resentments.

But, sometimes getting what we think we need isn't possible. In Mary's case this was going to be hard as she no longer had contact with some of these people. Getting that apology wasn't going to happen, and if it was the only key to her forgiveness she was in trouble.

IMary wanted her freedom, so she took a close look at what really happened. She was able to see that in almost every case the people weren't intentionally withholding their support... they just didn't understand. Some of them didn't know Mary well enough to know how important this issue was to her. Others took their families for granted, or didn't get along with them anyway, and weren't able to understand WHY she would want to find more family. And, a few people never paused to really think about the situation - their thoughts fell back to things they had been taught about "leaving sleeping dogs lie". None of these people had intentionally been unsupportive of Mary's quest. When she was able to see this, she realized that there was nothing to forgive after all.

If you have a situation in your life that seems to hold you hostage and would like to discuss it I would love to spend some time exploring it with you. Just email me at Christi@MyReunionCoach.com and let's set up a good time for a chat.

Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.
~Sidney and Suzanne Simon

The light at the end of the tunnel... As you know if you have been following these newsletters, my vet and I have been working tirelessly to save my yellow lab's life. I think we might be nearing the last bend on our journey - as the light at the end of the tunnel appears to have finally arrived - after weeks and weeks of thinking "we are almost there"!

Almost There..... How many times have I thought that thought? With Atty, my dog, at least 500. During my search for my birthfamily at least 1,000. During my life at least 10,000! Almost there... it can become a mantra, huh? It is what we tell ourselves to keep us going - and frequently it is true.

How many people quit when they are "almost there" but don't know it? I bet a lot. Certainly the people watching me with Atty have thought I am nuts. And surely the people watching you continue on with your search shake their heads with disbelief as you proclaim, "But I think I'm almost there!"

What makes the difference between "almost there" being an energizing statement and being a heavy burden? That would have to be your level of enthusiasm. If you are enthusiastic about your journey, "almost there" keeps you going with a light heart. On the flip side, if you are full of apathy those words can carry the weight of a very heavy burden indeed.

I am definitely enthusiastic about Atty getting better, us talking long walks and playing fetch twice a day like we used to. During my search I was eager to cross the bridges, make the connections and face my fears. I was enthusiastic - and ready. I had to be both in order to build the successful relationships I now enjoy. Long walks with Atty - long phone calls with my birthparents... They both took courage, determination and enthusiasm.

Is there an area of your life that needs some enthusiasm? If so I invite you to email me and let's talk about how coaching might be the missing tool you need now!

E is for Enthusiasm!

How Enthusiastic are you? It is funny, sometimes we think of enthusiastic people as being all pom poms and gymnastics.... but enthusiasm is really a state of mind. And, it is a state that brings us not only happiness, but also results.

Enthusiastic people get more done! Seriously, think about the people you know who seem to be always accomplishing great things. I can almost guarantee that they approach life with an enthusiastic attitude. They view life's hurdles as do-able challenges, not roadblocks. They believe that they have the energy to make it all the way, and because of that they don't quit when they are "almost there".

Enthusiastic people are courageous. It's true... people who are eager, interested and passionate are willing to take risks and face their fears. Isn't that what courage is? In an adoption reunion there are lots of risks and plenty of fears to go around. Facing them takes plenty of courage for sure. If you develop your enthusiasm you will find that it leads you straight toward your hidden resources of courage!

So how do you create enthusiasm? Well, in the immediate moment - fake it! That's right - ACT like you are enthusiastic. Part of feeling energized and bold is doing things that require energy and boldness. This of course is easiest if you are operating in an area where your passions run deep and true. If you are pursuing an adoption reunion this should be true for you! If not, this might not be the right time for you to be moving forward in that area of your life.

Speak clearly, loudly and boldly about your search or reunion. If you express yourself like this it will bring not only your idea into existence more fully, but you will find that you rally support from the people around you. Norman Vincent Peale said it will with, There is real magic in enthusiasm. It spells the difference between mediocrity and accomplishment.

In your Adoption Search or Reunion where are you struggling to build or maintain your enthusiasm? Let's talk about how you can regain your focus, recharge your search, or reenergize your interactions! Coaching is all about moving forward and I would love to be a part of your exciting and successful journey!

Question your reality. This is the cornerstone of Katie's work and what I love to share within a coaching relationship. Question yourself. Question your situation. Question your possibilities. Shed your limits and look at what might be available to you. Wow!

If I asked you to be more enthusiastic you might not feel too capable, huh? Fair enough. Sometimes we simply don't feel enthusiastic. But if we pause a moment we can probably rattle off quite a list of reasons why we can't "just do it!"

What would your reasons look like?

1. I'm too tired
2. It's too hard
3. I'm confused
4. I don't know how
5. I can't

Notice that none of those thoughts are valid reasons... they are just great excuses. Often we hide behind our excuses - and end up doing nothing. And then we feel regret. Later we explain it away with lines like:

1. I was afraid
2. I needed help
3. I had to take care of other things first
4. "They" wouldn't let me
5. I tried

And where will that list get you? NOWHERE, huh? But when we remove our excuses by questioning our thoughts - and we see, touch and feel what might be possible.... ahhhh it is hard to not find that magical engine of enthusiasm.

Through inquiry, and in coaching, you and I can question these thoughts - and stop them from being stopping YOU! We can open up feelings of freedom and from there YOU will see new possibilities. Freedom + Possibility is a great way to start fueling that Enthusiasm Engine!

I invite you to email me about a sample session so that you too can experience your enthusiasm. As I read just today.... "How would you act if you thought like God?" Let's remove your excuses and fuel your engine for your reunion - so that you can find out!

Life's blows cannot break a person whose spirit is warmed at the fire of enthusiasm.

There is real magic in enthusiasm. It spells the difference between mediocrity and accomplishment.

~Norman Vincent Peale