Cathy was approaching 40 years old when she found herself clinging to an increasingly slippery sense of self confidence.   She had located her birthmother more than four months before we started communicating and they had shared one magical phone call that lasted for hours.  Since then she had faced endless days of silence, hanging on her mailman's arrival - waiting for the letter her birthmother had promised to send.  With each passing day Cathy felt another piece of her pride slip away with her hope of ever having a relationship with her birthmother.

Cathy felt increasingly invisible, unimportant, and overlooked.  These feelings were infecting her ongoing relationships with her family, as she clung desperately to them in an effort to maintain her identity.  Thankfully, she reached out and found a group of fellow adoptees who could understand her feelings and our work together started.

I introduced Cathy to the concept of Inquiry and little by little she made shifts in her perspective.  Before reaching out to her birthmother she had done a lot of personal growth, but the silence she was enduring had overshadowed the insights she had previously gained.  Her confidence was slipping and her old beliefs were taking over again.  As I questioned her statements and assumptions she came to see how her lack of action was fueling the silence, instead of moving her toward her goal of having an active relationship with her birthmother.

Cathy, having heard her birthmother's voice once, was very motivated, but she was also afraid of rejection.  We focused on her goal of establishing an ongoing relationship and looked at the facts of her situation, not just her feelings. Her birthmother had been receptive to contact, but had not reciprocated. It was important for Cathy to focus on the facts of her receptivity and not on the ensuing silence. As she began to separate her story about what the silence meant from its simple existance she was able to find hope again.

Next we laid out a plan which was based on Cathy taking responsibility for her side of the relationship.  As she realized that she could control her actions 100% of the time, she rediscovered her motivation and was able to move out of her comfort zone.  Instead of waiting, she became proactive and began to write short, non-threatening notes to her birthmother.  Through these notes she introduced herself and her family to the mother she had never known. Their relationship was still one sided, but Cathy was feeling more secure because she knew she was doing everything within her power to make her dream come true.

Over the next several months Cathy was tested as she continued to wait for her birthmother to respond.   Although her confidence waivered, she was determined to complete the action steps we had agreed upon.  Through her efforts she discovered that living within her definition of integrity brought her a new level of acceptance for the things she could not change.  She began to rebalance her life with her family as she moved forward in her attempts to reach out to her birthmother. Cathy also was able to be a source of support to other adoptees which helped to solidify the realizations she had gained through our work together.

Finally she was able to take a confident stand and once again picked up the phone and called her birthmother.  Since then they have met on two occassions and are learning about one another.  Although Cathy has a sweet and pliable nature she has learned to stand tall as she embraces being fully responsible for her actions and the direction of her life.