When I met Jill she had been in a good reunion for more than a year.  Her college age daughter had found her and they had formed a close relationship with barely a wrinkle of trouble over the preceding months. Christina was spending numerous weeks over her summer vacation living with Jill and her husband. The summer flew by with them getting to know each other on a level that can only be achieved with day to day contact.  Their relationship deepened and clearly moved out of the initial honeymoon stage as their confidence in one another grew.  When Christina moved out, to return to school, some surprisingly strong feelings developed that were difficult for Jill to confront.

Jill noticed that they were no longer sharing as many long, intimate telephone conversations and it seemed there was less contact overall.  This was confusing and unsettling as she had expected their routine to return to how it had been prior to their summer together.  Jill struggled, trying to bolster her feelings of being connected to her daughter without the daily interaction she had recently enjoyed.  Suddenly she felt truly separate and alone.  She found herself wanting more contact and fighting intense feelings of loss as she deeply missed her connection with Christina.

Jill and I spent a considerable amount of time identifying what emotional needs were not being met and discussing ways for her to ask for what she wanted without becoming pushy or slipping into a smothering role.  As her needs were specifically articulated, her self talk about them was able to be clearly identified.  Once we uncovered some underlying beliefs and zeroed in on what meanings she was applying to the changes in her relationship, we were able to start the process of Inquiry.

Through this process Jill was able to notice her stressful thoughts, pause, reflect and then redirect her attention to Inquiry.  As she questioned her thoughts and allowed the answers within her to surface she was able to see that a great deal of her stress was based on unproven assumptions, and not from anything factual.  She was able to see how quickly her insecurities pushed her into a ‘story’ about Christina and separated her from the truth of their mutual commitment.

Together, through phone communication and supporting emails, Jill and I were able to identify her reactive patterns and assemble some action steps for her to take to bring her back to a place of emotional balance.  Through her hard work she has been able to shift her perspective about her relationship with her daughter and rest in a sense of knowing that they are forever connected.  This has enable her to step into a more consistent role as a parent, who is able to support her daughter as she marches into adulthood.

Just recently their relationship has taken yet another leap forward.  Christina’s mother and Jill both played key roles in the recent celebrations of Christina’s graduation and marriage, and they are compassionately aware of how important each of them are to one another.  For Jill the gift of watching her daughter grow up and become an independent adult is both a blessing and a challenge.  Fortunately, she now has some solid tools to employ when her maternal instincts surface and she struggles with deeply missing daily interaction with her daughter.  As any parent will explain, children grow up too fast.  For a birthmother who missed so many years the challenge of letting go is very hard.  Thankfully, Jill now has the tools to help her stay rooted in her honest, solid and committed role as a mother to her daughter.

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