When Sally's 29 year old son contacted Catholic Charities needing
medical information it opened up a doorway to the past for her. For the next several months her past, present
and future blurred together in a whirlwind of emotion and memory. Although she had stayed in touch with the social worker
from the agency from the time her son was a month old, many aspects of that part of her life had been hidden away in the corners
of her mind. With that one phone call it seemed that every corner of her mind was suddenly illuminated.
Sally had previously filed papers consenting to the release of her
personal information, and now she immediately filed the consent to release her updated medical forms and any letters in her
son's file. She wrote a separate letter to him and sent it to the social worker the next day. It took
her son a month to respond. During that time the social worker tried to be encouraging, but realistically portrayed
how long the process could take. As Sally's anticipation increased so did her deep NEED for more information.
She wanted contact but her only link to him was the social worker, who was kind, but busy and businesslike.
It was during that long month of silence that Sally and I started
communicating. My perspective as an adoptee helped her to see how this might look from her son's point of view.
We talked about the fact that it was medical information, not just curiosity that was the driving his need for contact.
As we talked about 'real life' she came to understand that he might be struggling with more than just this reunion or a medical
issue. While that understanding wasn't easy, it did help her to find patience.
During this time we talked frequently and Sally became more familiar
with some of the needs of adoptees. This information was valuable to her as it helped her to feel closer to
her son, even though she wasn't receiving communication from him.
Finally, a month after the first call from the agency, she received
a seven page letter (including a picture) directly from her son. The letter, while long, seemed strangely detached.
It was obvious to her that he was dealing with some deeper issues and she wanted, more than anything, to be able to help.
While she had received a letter from him, she still had no specific contact information for him as he was requesting that
all correspondence go through Catholic Charities.
She wrote back immediately, but heard nothing and once again her
heightened emotions were triggered by feelings of helplessness. Weeks later she still had heard nothing...and
we had an intense discussion about what she could and could NOT effect. I told her "You can go ahead and have a relationship
with him, go ahead and write to him, think about him, be with him in your heart.... but don't expect him to have a relationship
with you." I told her this because it is through expectations that we hurt ourselves. So long as she hung on the
expectation that he was going to immediately respond she would continue to hurt herself.
She did write to him frequently but she didn't send all the letters.
Through her writing her deeper fears surfaced and she had to confront some serious issues surrounding the identity of her
son's father. As a result of this situation she touched some of her feelings of shame about the past and fear of the
unknown future. As the pressure of this issue increased we explored the value of being honest about our feelings.
My personal struggles with intense emotions helped Sally to feel safe. With some support, she was able to confront her
fears, communicate her feelings and release the secret she had carried for so long. This was a hugely liberating time
for her as she stepped into her own power and found out that many of her fears were not realized.
As the weeks dragged on, Sally had moments of deep pain due to the
deafening silence, despite the frequent letters she had been sending. We used the tools of Inquiry to help
her stay grounded and to focus her mind on what she could control, instead of what she couldn't. As she settled down,
life continued to happen around her. Another situation at home heated up and required her attention and she felt capable
of walking away, temporarily, from the idea of a reunion.
As irony will have it - later that same day she received an email
from her son. Predictably, reunions are unpredictable. Once again she was off and running, but this time
the contact continued on a regular basis. The periodic letters had accomplished their goal of helping him to know her
and move into a space where he was open to a more personal relationship. Then, less than a month later they met for
the first time as they spent New Year's Eve together.
Since then Sally, her husband and her son have spent time with each
of their families, getting to know all the members personally. Her son's birthfather has been introduced and
that established a foundation upon which future contact is possible. Her secrets are out of the closet, she is clear
with what her responsibilities are within her relationships, and her communication has an increased level of forthright honesty.
Her reunion with her son is going well and she has developed a warm relationship with his adoptive mother. This reunion
experience has been a source of great healing and personal growth. Although it has been very challenging at times, she
has risen to each occasion and given her all.
